If you have ever read Bobby Kennedy's memoir, you might have been moved by the story of his visit to the Deep South in 1967. As a senator, he wanted to investigate rumours that starvation was a fact of life for people in Mississippi. Although reports of abject poverty were available to him, he had to see the situation from outside of the comfort of a senator's shoes and step into the ramshackle communities of the southern state. Sure enough, he was completely shocked by what he had observed and vowed to do something about it. Unfortunately, the young senator was assassinated just a year later.
I bring this story forth, not to discuss poverty or history but to shed some light on a truth that often eludes us all--- that we often listen with our ears, but not with our hearts and minds. Kennedy was aware of the plight of Mississippians, but he could not be fully convinced of the urgency of the dilemma until he was immersed in that experience. We commit this error right in our own relationships.
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My clients, both male and female, whether in relationships or divorced, often get locked into an endless cycle of texting or arguing back and forth, back and forth. Stores of mental energy are used up and usually nothing is accomplished. We listen but are we experiencing the other's reality?
What are we listening with? Just our ears? Our act of listening is often nothing more than a type of currency we use so that our partner (or ex-partner) will listen to our next point. But they return the same coinage to us. So a lot of words are being exchanged and no one is being heard.

Perhaps the most effective currency used in any type of verbal altercation is to give understanding first. This is not a new concept, in fact Stephen Covey helped to popularize this idea years ago in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. If you can be patient enough to listen, not just with your ears but with your heart, your partner might feel understood. This technique is disarming for many people who are determined to get their point across. If they feel heard, they are more inclined to find the spirit of cooperation that is necessary for any progress to occur.
It's simple, just repeat after listening: "So what I hear you saying is that you feel/don't like/ wish/want ... Did I get that right?" Now wait for their acknowledgement. Then acknowledge how that must feel: "That must really suck ..."
Can you imagine your partner being hostile now?
We must make this script an integral part of relationship building. Using it once is not enough.
Now back to Senator Kennedy. It is not to say that he was ever hostile to the poor. But I imagine that any senator might say, "yes, poverty is a problem but we have to look at budget constraints ..." (You see how we consider how other's situations impact us?) When he actually visited some of the shacks in rural Mississippi, he was fully convinced that no excuse for inaction was justified. And the impoverished folks he visited experienced a little hope when he became present in their reality.
Empathy is a superpower that is within everyone's reach. Preambling our response to our partner's pleas with a "yes, but" reversion to our own stress is just music for the deaf.
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